Photograph Source: Russian Presidential Executive Office – CC BY 4.0
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The fragment below was taken from the transcript of an intercepted phone call, no doubt intended for the “ears only” of Russian President Vladimir Putin, on the eve of his Anchorage summit with President Donald Trump.
“Vladimir Vladimirovich. How are you, my friend? I know you have met Trump many times before. In Hamburg, in Helsinki….in Moscow…. And remember the time when he was in Moscow and wanted to walk you through the dressing rooms of the Miss Universe contest, so that he could ogle Miss Argentina. Or the time when Trump wanted to give you a $50 million penthouse in his Moscow tower? I guess he was trying to pay us back, but we collect in other ways.
“The key to this meeting has been achieved, which was to exclude the leaders of western Europe, not to mention Zelenskyy, who would just show up with a lot of pictures of dead Ukrainian children. Who needs all that?
“On his own, as we know from our many phone calls, Trump is clueless. Lights on, no one home, at least in terms of world history. Remember the meeting when we took out a map of Russia, and in searching for Ukraine, he put his finger on Romania? Or the occasion when he thought Crimea was a Greek island near Israel?
“So the key is to drop in as many geographical and historical reference points as you can. Or to ask him innocently: ‘Mr. President, why not, as part of any ceasefire, have Russian peacekeeping forces advance to the River Dniester? We would be happy to do that.’ Who knows: we might get lucky.
“As for a ceasefire or peace agreement between Russia and Ukraine, Trump could not care less. All he cares about is getting his name in nomination for a Nobel Peace Prize.
“I know, who cares about some award given out by a Swedish dynamite manufacturer, but he does. Obsessively. I guess because Obama won it even before he was in office and blew away the likes of Gaddafi
and all those al-Qaedas driving around within range of his drones.
“My feeling is that to start this meeting, you tell Trump that the Russian State Academy for the Advancement of Peace (I know, it does not exist, but he will lap it up) has awarded him its Man of the Year prize.
“You hand him a pendant that is an exact replica of the Nobel Peace Prize and a blank check (let him fill out the payee; he likes that money-laundering touch) for 11 million Swedish krona (about $1.2 million). Then stand next to him for the ceremonial picture. After that, how can he insist that Russia does not have honorable intentions in Luhansk?
“Be forewarned: someone might bring up the dead pedophile Jeffrey Epstein. Look, we all know that the Americans, and American politics, are crazy, but this obsession with Epstein’s underworld is really too much, although for our purposes in Anchorage it’s more manna from heaven.
“The FSB conducted its own investigation into Epstein, and here are the facts: for some fifteen years Epstein and Trump were best friends, passing each other teenaged girlfriends as if they were hits on a bong.
“The word from one journalist (a Michael Wolff who has excellent White House access) is that Trump first slept with Melania on Epstein’s private plane (be nice to have that footage, and maybe we do). And now Melania is threatening to sue the Biden family over Hunter’s comment that Epstein introduced Trump’s future wife to his frequent-flyer buddy.
“If the Epstein subject comes up in the summit (in most meetings with heads of state, Trump usually goes off on an Epstein riff for about fifteen minutes and then adds, “You know, I hardly knew the guy…”), I would play it this way: tell Trump that you are sympathetic to his position and will look into our files and send him any materials that prove his innocence. Then when you don’t send him anything, he will understand we have ‘pictures’ or ‘files.’
“The western media claims that after the conference call with German and Finnish leaders, little boy Macron, and Zelenskyy, Trump will take a hard line to bring an end to the Ukraine fighting. But a ceasefire is the last thing that will be on his mind (Trump only cares about money and publicity, so even a bad summit suits his purpose). And if the conversation lags, offer him some waterfront property in Sochi. It worked for Qatar and in Vietnam.
“When the subject turns to the current special military operation in Ukraine, I would handle that part of the meeting as you did when Trump sent over his media lackey Tucker Carlson to the Kremlin. Apparently, after the interview, he filmed some footage of a Russian supermarket, stunned that there was food inside for sale.
“Taken together, Carlson and Trump know less about Russia than some clueless teenager being asked geography questions on YouTube.
“So at the right moment explain to the always confused Trump (by then he might be dozing…) why Ukraine is a fictitious state, the creation of Brest-Litovsk (1918), if not Hitler’s 1941 invasion, and that all we are doing is fighting the last battle of World War II, as we did (with American assistance!) at Stalingrad.
“Then ask for Trump’s help in wiping out the last pockets of fascist resistance. Compare Zelenskyy’s troops to those Japanese soldiers that occasionally emerge from hiding on some Pacific island like Saipan or Guam.
“At this point I doubt he will want to say much of anything. He will probably ask you if this a good moment to call in the press, so that he can hurl primetime insults at the CNN’s Kaitlan Collins (they have this weird on-air ‘thing’).
“Also, be prepared for Trump to try some stunt, like asking you if he can call Zelenskyy. If he does that, I would actually let him patch through the Zoom call, and then let Trump be the one to hang up on him, when Zelenskky starts in on some long diatribe about cruise missiles or the deaths of innocent civilians.
“You and Trump are the talk-show hosts, and if he calls in, Zelenskky will sound like an angry New York sports fan—at which point you could smile at Trump and say, almost as Ronald Reagan would, ‘Nothing will ever make these Jets’ fans happy…’
“With that you will own the front pages of the New York Post, the only newspaper Trump reads.
“Let’s be real: we’re only showing up at this pointless exercise to keep Trump from imposing new sanctions on our oil sales to India and to isolate the United States further from the rest of NATO.
“Our long-term goals, however, remain clear and unchanged: to use the special military operation in Ukraine to bring down the neofascist government in Kiev and to push Russia’s western border to what was once called the Stalin Line (not far from the Polish border). From there we can choke off the Baltic States, and turn south into Moldova. And we all know your views on another Polish partition.
“But just tell Trump that all we want is to restore Russia to the borders agreed by President Franklin Roosevelt in 1945 at Yalta. How can he argue with that?
“Sleep well, Mr. President. You have this one in the bag.”
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This content originally appeared on CounterPunch.org and was authored by Matthew Stevenson.